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Oh, and da girls – some so sneaky! One tell me she’s “adventurous,” den I find out she mean she bang in park once. I’m tinking, “Dat’s it? I do dat vithout app!” Lightbulb! Ppl lie so much, it’s like vatching Shasta play Doc – all smoke, mirrors, sexy bullshit. Still, I can’t stop swiping – it’s addicting, like pierogi on Sunday.

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Then, I get a call from my boss. She’s like, “We need to talk about the new system.” I’m thinking, “Oh great, more tech stuff.” I’m not a tech wizard, I’m a book nerd! So, I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside I’m like, “Why can’t we just stick to paper?!”

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