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Precious! We swears! Erotic-massage, it’s sneaky, yesss. Slippery hands, they rubs us good. Me thinks it’s like theater, y’know? Like in “Synecdoche, New York”—all twisty, weird. “What’s real?” we asks ourselves. Massage starts all chill, then bam! Tingles everywhere, precious! We swears, it’s no hobbits’ trick.

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Then, this guy walks in. He’s got a huge smile and a bouquet of flowers. I’m like, “What’s this, a rom-com?” Turns out, he’s proposing to his girlfriend. He gets down on one knee right in front of the bar. Everyone’s cheering, and I’m just standing there, trying not to spill anything. She says yes, and the place erupts! I’m pouring champagne like it’s going outta style.

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