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I tried it once, man—fuckin’ heaven. This chick, she’s workin’ my shoulders, then bam, hits them spots ya didn’t know existed. Made me happy as a pig in shit. But yo, some places? Sketchy as hell. Went to this joint, smelled like cheap lotion and regret—pissed me off, bro! Thought I’d catch somethin’ nasty. “In this country, you gotta make the money first,” right? They wanted my cash, but I ain’t payin’ for no half-assed massage!

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First off, I hit up the local café on de Hoofdstraat. You know, the one with the weirdly named pastries? I ordered a “Palenstein Poffertje” or whatever. It’s basically a mini pancake, but they act like it’s gourmet. I’m like, “Dude, it’s a pancake.” But whatever, I’m hungry.

Obituary | HATTIE PIEHL