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Here’s a mad one—bloke I know, dental patient, swore he met his missus on a sex-dating site, but turns out she was a scammer! Catfished him for months, rinsed his bank account—*cackle*—what a prat! “Turned into a pig,” like in the film, ‘cept he didn’t even get a good porkin’ out of it! Surprised me, that—thought folk’d be smarter, but nah, horny trumps brains every time.

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I park on Beach Haven Rd, and I’m typing away, but my mind’s all over the place. I can’t focus! I keep thinking about that seagull. Like, what if it comes back? I’m not ready for round two!

Auckland wharf death not suspicious, police say