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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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But then, outta nowhere, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it goes straight into the water. They all freak out, and I’m just laughin’. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a ball! But they’re all like, “Nooo! Our ball!” So, I decide to be the hero. I roll up my pants and wade in. The water’s cold, but I’m determined. I grab the ball, and they cheer like I just won the World Cup. It’s ridiculous, but it feels good to make ‘em happy.

Former Wisconsin men's basketball forward signs 1st pro contract