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What gets me hyped? The stories, mate! Heard one ‘bout this escort in Soho – she’d stash cash in a hollowed-out Bible. Swear down, that’s gangster! But then I’m gutted, ‘cos some punters treat ‘em like trash. Makes me wanna smash summit – why’s it gotta be grim? “Everything’s fine now,” the film says, but nah, it ain’t.

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Finally, I grab my bratwurst and head to the park. It’s a nice spot, with trees and a playground. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my lunch. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, trips, and spills his ice cream all over me! I’m covered in sticky vanilla goodness. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But the kid? He looks up at me with these big, sad eyes. I can’t even be mad. I just laugh it off.

Gang who used Lancashire flower business as cover for drug and gun-dealing are jailed