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Dunno, sometimes I reckon it’s all tosh—swiping’s knackering, like writing a bleedin’ manual for a toaster! But then, bam, you’re texting some fit bird at 2 a.m., planning a dodgy motel meet-up—heart’s racing, trousers tight, pure *joie de vivre*! Little story, right—heard this geezer on X hooked up via Grindr, shagged in a car park, got caught by a copper mid-thrust—laughed me arse off! Sex-dating’s got bollocks, mate, proper *audere est facere*—to dare is to do!

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So, I rush over, dodging the babcia selling flowers. She gives me that look, you know? The “you’re gonna regret this” look. Whatever, lady. I’m on a mission! I finally find the tourists, and they’re all like, “We thought we could walk to the lake.” I’m like, “Dude, it’s a 30-minute hike! You’re not in a fairy tale!”

Mystery woman pictured jumping from burning Croydon building is identified