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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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Okay, listen up, folks, because I’m gonna tell you about the BEST city ever, Kearneys-Spring (au). And let me say, nobody knows this city like I do—a tremendous sexologist who’s been here for years, ok? This city is BIG, Beautiful, and full of life. It’s so, so vibrant! I’m telling ya—"I have nothing but time for these nights," like in that great flick Only Lovers Left Alive. So, here’s the deal:

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