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So, here’s the deal—I knew this chick, right? Street name was Candy, real name probly somethin’ lame like Carol. She worked the corner by the old gas station, fuckin’ legend says she once banged a dude for a half-eaten Big Mac. Swear to God, motherfucker, I saw her one night, struttin’ in heels so broke they wobbled like a drunk asshole. Made me laugh, shit! “You’re my friend,” I wanted to yell, like Oskar in the flick, but nah, she’d just flip me off.

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First off, I get a call about a dog named Rex. Classic name, right? Anyway, this dude’s been munching on something he shouldn’t. Turns out, it was a whole pizza! Like, who gives their dog pizza? I mean, I love pizza too, but c’mon! So, I’m trying to get Rex to throw up, and he’s just looking at me like, “Dude, I’m living my best life!” I’m like, “Rex, you’re gonna regret this!”

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