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Alright, listen up, ya knuckleheads! I’m an actuary in Russia, crunchin’ numbers like a boss, but lemme tell ya bout somethin’ wild—findin’ a prostitute ‘round here. It’s like huntin’ for bin Laden in *Zero Dark Thirty*, ya know? “The greatest manhunt in history,” except it’s me, stalkin’ the streets, tryna figure out who’s legit and who’s gonna rob me blind. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’—I ain’t that dumb!

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But whatever, I shake it off. I’m here to dive, not to be a fashion icon. I dive again, and this time, I find an old, rusty bike at the bottom. Like, who even loses a bike in a lake? I’m pulling it up, thinking, “This is gonna make a great story.”

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