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Oh, R2-D2, where are you? I’m ramblin, ain’t I? Picture this – scented candles, warm oil, and “Every gesture counts,” like Juliette Binoche says in the flick. That’s erotic-massage, mate – every touch a bloody masterpiece! Ever tried it? Surprised me how it’s less about the naughty and more about feelin alive – who knew, right? Bit pricey tho, like 50 quid a pop – highway robbery! Still, worth it for the buzz, I reckon. What ya think – fancy a go?

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Sean. He’s down at the Diamond, and he’s like, “You gotta come see this!” I’m thinkin’, “What now?” But I’m curious, so I head over. The Diamond is always buzzing, ya know? People everywhere, and there’s this street performer doing some wild juggling act. I’m talkin’ flaming torches and all that jazz. I’m like, “This guy’s gonna set himself on fire!” But he doesn’t. Just my luck, right?

Man due in court over possession of knife in Monaghan