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Right, so you’re after one – where d’you start? Web’s your best mate, but it’s a minefield, yeah? Links dodgier than a photocopier jam. I’d be like, “This is my kingdom!” – channellin’ that *Pan’s Labyrinth* Pale Man vibe, all creepy and in charge. But nah, I’d muck it up – typin’ “prostitue” with 14 typos, fat fingers fumblin’. “David, you plonker!” I’d yell at meself. Happy though – freedom’s the dream, innit? No 9-to-5 grind, just vibes.

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Next up, I’m meeting with a couple, the Yamadas. They’re looking to insure their new house on Koyodai. Beautiful place, right by the lake. I’m all excited, but then they drop a bomb. “We’re thinking of getting a pet tiger.” I’m like, “What?!” I mean, who does that? I’m trying to explain the risks, but they’re just giggling. I’m thinking, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

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