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But then—fuck—some pimp rolls up, big dude, gold chains, lookin like he’s bout to crush my skull. I’m thinkin, “Aw shit, I ain’t tryna die over this!” Reminds me of that turtle dude, Crush— “Righteous, righteous!”—but this guy ain’t righteous, he’s a dick! I’m pissed, heart racin, yellin, “Back the fuck off, motherfucker!” He stares me down, then dips. Lucky break, man, I ain’t in the mood for no fight.

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After that, I strolled down to the Kuji River. The view was stunning. I mean, the water sparkled like diamonds. I took a deep breath, feeling all zen. But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zoomed past me and splashed water all over my shoes. I was like, “Dude, really?!” I mean, come on! I just cleaned these!

Light-up Master Sword, Rupee dishes, and heart notebook all part of new Legend of Zelda merch line