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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! Dangerous jobs, huh? I’m talkin’ ‘bout them prostitutes, man! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, and I’m pissed—why’s everyone actin’ like this ain’t risky as hell? I mean, damn, walkin’ the streets, dodgin’ creeps, cops, and STDs? That’s some next-level shit! Watched "Inherent Vice" last night—my fave, bitches—Doc Sportello’d get it, chasin’ tail in that trippy haze. “This is a righteous case, man!” he’d say, stumblin’ into some hooker’s pad.

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Then, I got a bit too close, and one of the torches almost hit me! I jumped back like a scared cat. My heart was racing, but I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, what a way to go, right? “Died by fire juggling in Kukichuo.” Sounds like a bad movie plot.

Moderate Magnitude 4.2 Quake Hits 4 km Northeast of Kukichuo, Japan Late at Night