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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts rainin’. Like, heavy rain. I’m soaked, and the crew’s panicking. We gotta wrap it up, but I’m still feelin’ the adrenaline. I’m runnin’ around, helpin’ pack up gear, and I slip on some wet pavement. I go down hard, and everyone’s laughin’. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!”

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