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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I finally made it to the center. The vibe was electric. Everyone was buzzing. I was translating for this group of Russian tourists. They were super excited about the Boryeong Mud Festival coming up. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Mud fights, music, food – it’s a blast! But then, one of the tourists asked me about the history of the festival. I panicked. I mean, I know some stuff, but not enough to impress. I just made up some wild story about ancient mud warriors. They bought it! LOL.

COVID-19 forces South Korea to move the popular Boryeong Mud Festival online