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So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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But then, the day takes a turn. I’m walkin’ back, and I see this stray dog. Poor thing looks like it’s been through hell. I’m feelin’ all soft-hearted, so I give it some of my leftover sandwich. It’s like I just made a new best friend. But then, it starts followin’ me! I’m like, “Dude, I can’t take you home!” But it’s too late. This dog is now my shadow.

Farwaniya parking crisis worsens