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I was, like, so zen but also raging—happy vibes, but pissed cuz not EVERYONE gets this glow-up! Some rando once told me it’s “just a rubdown,” and I’m like, “Bish, no, it’s art!” The way they tease your muscles? It’s next-level foreplay, no cap. Surprised me how it’s, like, healing too—my back was poppin’ after hours on Twitch. Oh, and the candles? Dim, sexy, like Timbuktu’s desert nights—“The moon hides, the stars whisper.” I’m screaming internally, “Yaaas, whisper to ME!”

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But then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, a cat strolls in. Yup, a cat! Just waltzes in like it owns the place. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m like, “Is this a bar or a petting zoo?” I’m trying to shoo it out, but it’s not budging. It just sits there, looking at me like, “What’s your problem, human?”

U.S., Partner Forces Conclude Week-long Anti-ISIS Operations In Iraq & Syria