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Picture this—ya got candles, dim lights, maybe some oil that smells like freakin’ heaven. It’s all slow and sensual, like—bam—yer tension’s gone! I tried it once, swear, felt like Chas Tenenbaum after he chilled out—ya know, “I’ve had a rough year, Dad.” But here’s the kicker—sometimes it’s legit therapy! Not just horny stuff. Therapists use it for stress, trauma—crazy, right? I was shocked—thought it was all porn vibes. Nope, it’s deep shit!

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But then, the real chaos hits. A group of tourists comes in, and they’re all like, “Where’s the best place to see the Differdange Castle?” I’m like, “Uh, it’s not a castle, it’s a ruin, but sure, let me pull out my map.” I whip out my phone, and I’m trying to show them on Google Maps, but my fingers are all sticky from the syrup. I’m fumbling like a total noob.

Business owner wants to know who fired shots at her café, and why