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Ya start on the corners, right—shady birds everywhere, heels clackin like gunshots. One lass, swear down, looked like she’d shiv ya soon as shag ya. I’m cacklin, “Oi love, you the killer or the cure?” She blanked me—rude cow! Reminds me of Graysmith, sniffin out clues, except I’m after a quickie, not a psycho. Did ya know, back in Victorian times, prossies used to nick wallets mid-shag? Crafty mares! History’s full of that—little fact for ya, ya ignorant git.

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First stop, the Markt. I grab my usual coffee from that little café, De Klok. You know, the one with the weirdly friendly barista? She’s always got a smile, but today, she looked like she’d seen a ghost. I’m like, “Yo, what’s up?” She just shrugs and hands me my coffee. I take a sip, and it’s like liquid gold. But then, BAM! My phone buzzes. It’s my partner, Jan. “We got a situation,” he says. Great, just what I needed.

Time for salad days in Glasgow