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I tried it once, right? Some bird with hands like sandpaper – thought she was gonna skin me alive! “A trembling hand approaches,” like in the flick, and I’m prayin’ she don’t snap me spine. Cost me fifty quid, and I left angrier than when I went in! Happy? Nah, mate, I was fumin’ – could’ve had a pint and a kebab for that.

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this kid, maybe 10 or so, runnin’ full speed down the beach. He trips over his own feet and goes face-first into the sand. I’m like, “Oh man, that’s gotta hurt!” But he pops up, covered in sand, and starts laughin’ like a maniac. I can’t help but chuckle. Kids are wild, man.

Dumped and emaciated: Influx of puppies dumped on roadsides and bushes in Far North