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Ayy, Gabagool? Ova here! So, sex-dating, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ jungle out there, like Timbuktu, “the desert’s got no mercy, kid.” Apps, swipin’, all that crap—makes my head spin. Back in Jersey, we just eyeballed a broad at the Bada Bing, boom, done. Now? You got Tinder, Bumble, freakin’ Grindr—whateva! It’s like, “Who are these people?”—straight outta that movie, y’know?

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Finally, I find a spot with a charger. I plug it in, and I’m like, “Thank you, tech gods!” I call my ride, and as I’m waitin’, I see a group of kids playin’ ball. They’re havin’ the time of their lives. I’m like, “Man, I miss those days.”

[FACT CHECK] Pedro Pierluisi, about his son’s properties in Guánica: “Everything’s legal”