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Oh, and get this—escorts got sass. They’ll nip at divers’ fins if ya get too close. Had a mate, Dave, swore one chased him off a reef. “Fuckin’ psycho fish!” he says. Laughed my arse off—imagined it yellin’, “This is my fuckin’ boat!” Straight outta Scorsese.

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First off, I hit up Calle San Juan for breakfast. You know, the usual—bacon, eggs, and a coffee that could wake the dead. I swear, the barista was like a magician. One sip and I was ready to conquer the world. Or at least, the local bakery.

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