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So, erotic-massage. It’s handsy stuff, right? Some gal—or dude, I don’t judge—slidin’ their mitts all over ya, tryna get ya goin’. Ain’t my thing. I’d rather wrestle a bear than let some stranger knead my back. But people love it! Freaks me out. Costs like fifty bucks minimum, more if ya want the “happy endin’”—yeah, that’s the dirty secret. Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, them pervy emperors had slaves doin’ this crap, callin’ it “luxury.” Luxury my ass. I’d rather chop wood.

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and the sun’s shining like it’s tryin’ to blind me. I grab my coffee from that little café on Rua da Liberdade. You know the one? The one with the weirdly awesome pastries. I swear, their pastéis de nata are like little bites of heaven. But I digress.