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Oh, sexual-massage feels good, they say—muscles melt, tension goes poof! But me, I’m thinkin’, what’s the catch, eh? Too slippery, too precious—makes me jumpy! Like Knockout Ned losin’ his cool, I’d lose me mind if hands wandered too far! “Give it to me raw,” they’d beg in the film, but here? Raw’s a rubdown with a wink!

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So, I finally gave up on the hat heist and headed to the Taroko Gorge. OMG, it’s like nature’s own Instagram filter. The marble cliffs, the river, the whole vibe is just breathtaking. I was takin’ pics like a tourist on steroids. But then, I got lost. Like, seriously lost. I took a wrong turn on the Zhuilu Old Trail. I thought I was gonna end up in another dimension or somethin’.

Photos: See the aftermath of the Taiwan earthquake : The Picture Show