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So I’m thinkin, right, how’s a bloke s’posed to pick? Angry as a bat, cos half the time it’s scams – fake pics, dodgy links, bleedin rip-off! Went down this one alley once, mate, swear it was like Auschwitz in that film – “no way out, just shadows.” Nearly shat meself, but then – bam! – this bird, all legs an’ glitter, pops up. Happy as a pig in mud, I was! Cost me a tenner to chat, tho, surprised me bollocks off.

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So I get to the market, and it’s packed. I mean, like, sardines in a can packed. People everywhere, haggling over fruits and veggies. I’m tryin’ to find Jake, but all I see are stalls and more stalls. Finally, I spot him by the stinky tofu stand. Ugh, that smell! It’s like a punch to the face.

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