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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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Finally, I’m like, “Fine! I’ll get your cat!” I dash inside, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. Smoke everywhere, and I can barely breathe. I’m crawling on the floor, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” But then, I hear it—a little meow. I follow the sound, and there’s this fluffy ball of fur, just chillin’ under a table. I scoop it up, and I’m outta there!

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