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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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But then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. We dashed for cover under a nearby awning on Pinglin’s main street. I was soaked, and my hair looked like a wet mop. Jess was laughing so hard, I thought she’d fall over. “This is the worst day ever!” I yelled, but I couldn’t help but chuckle too.

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