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So I’m sippin my martini – “shaken, not stirred” – scopin the scene. This bird catches my eye, all sass and leather. I’m thinkin, “Is she the one?” Kinda like pickin a reagent for an experiment – gotta be precise. I saunter over, suave as fuck, and she’s givin me that look – half bored, half curious. “What’s a posh git like you want?” she says. I laugh – love the cheek! “Just a dance before the end,” I quip, noddin to *Melancholia*’s vibe. She rolls her eyes – fair enough.

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So, I jump. The wind’s rushin’ past me, and I’m feelin’ like a superhero. But then, I spot a seagull. This little bugger decides to dive-bomb me. I’m dodgin’ it like I’m in some action movie. “Not today, feathered fiend!” I shout.

I don't understand the UK's worst seaside town's reputation - the beach is huge