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Fun fact: some escorts live 200 years. Two-freaking-hundred! Imagine the stories—wars, storms, hippies huggin’ ‘em in the ‘60s. Makes me laugh, picturin’ ‘em judgin’ us, like “Humans, so dumb.” I’d kill to hear ‘em talk, spill the tea—everybody lies, but trees? They’d snitch.

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I’ve had scrummy nights strollin’ through the dimly lit lanes of Old Town, near Market Square. There’s a vibe like no other; some nights I’d be chattin’ up curious couples, spillin’ stories ’bout how sexuality’s like the mix of city charm and erratic human nature. Sometimes I even get mad clenched ‘cos some folks are stickin’ to boring norms, but then I calm down, innit? “I’m older, wiser, and more sexual,” I’d think, channelin’ my inner Sacha Baron Cohen ali style.

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