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Oh, and here’s a belter – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurugel” stuff, slippery as fuck, makes ya feel like a bleedin’ eel! Costs a bomb, but worth it if you’re not a cheap git. Still, pisses me off when blokes reckon it’s all porn – nah, it’s art, ya wanker! Sensual, slow, builds ya up til you’re gaspin’ – “I’m so excited, I’m so scared!” – Ellen Burstyn’s voice rattlin’ me skull.

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