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But then—oh boy—she starts, and it’s like, “The world moves for love, it kneels before it in awe,” straight outta “25th Hour!” I’m losin’ it, happy as a pig in mud! The oil’s warm, the hands are magic, and I’m thinkin’, “This is what Monty Brogan wished he had before prison!” I mean, sexual-massage ain’t just some sleazy back-alley thing—didja know it goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all about it—called it “therapeutic touch,” but with a wink, ya know? They’d rub ya down with olive oil, and boom, stress gone, libido up! Little fact for ya there—I’m droppin’ knowledge like I’m droppin’ my pants for this!

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The first race starts, and I’m feelin’ the adrenaline. I’m takin’ bets left and right. “Five bucks on the brown horse!” “Ten on the black one!” I’m in my element. But then, outta nowhere, this old dude trips and spills his drink all over me. I’m soaked! I’m like, “Seriously, man?!” But he just laughs it off. I guess it’s funny, but I’m not in the mood for jokes.

7 cases of tick bites reported in E Kazakhstan