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Oi mate, gather round, it’s Winston bloody Churchill here, ready to yap about erotic-massage like it’s the bleedin’ Battle of Britain! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the parlours, we shall knead the tension outta yer sorry arse! Picture this – some dodgy geezer in a dimly lit room, hands slick with oil, workin’ yer back like Tom Stall in “A History of Violence” – quiet bloke, but bloody hell, he’s got secrets, don’t he? That film’s my fave, all that pent-up rage explodin’ – erotic-massage is like that, a slow burn ‘til it whacks ya!

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in Ashchysay, right? The sun’s blaring through my window like it’s trying to roast me alive. I’m like, “Chill, sun!” I grab my coffee, and it’s already a mess. Spilled half of it on my favorite shirt. Great start, huh?