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Favorite part? When they hit that spot—ooh, lawd—tension pops like a damn balloon. “Gangsters don’t cry,” they said in the movie, but bruh, I was close. Felt like confessin’ sins I ain’t even commit! Ain’t no shame, tho—sexual-massage is primal, raw, like Oppenheimer’s killers dancin’ with ghosts. You’re lyin’ there, vulnerable, thinkin’, “Man, I deserve this.” And you do.

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Then, I get this wild idea. I’m gonna rent a paddleboat! So I head over to the rental place by the lake. The guy there is super chill, but he’s also kinda weird. He starts telling me about the “legend of the lake.” Apparently, there’s a monster in there. I’m like, “Yeah, right.” But then I’m thinking, what if there really is? I’m not trying to be fish food today!

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