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So I tried it once, yeah, proper research for ya! Walked in, this bird’s all “lie down, love”, and I’m thinking – what’s the catch? Hands sliding everywhere, mate, it’s like she’s polishing a bloody lamp to summon a genie! Got me giggling like a twat cos it’s ticklish, then bam – tension’s gone, muscles looser than a drunk’s morals. But here’s the kicker – it’s not even about the naughty bits half the time! Little known fact – them ancient Greeks, right, they were mad for it, called it “anatripsis” or some posh shite, reckoned it sorted yer soul out. Soul my arse – I was just tryna not fart mid-rub!

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But then, the rain stops, and I step outside, and it’s like a sauna. I’m drenched in sweat again. I’m like, “Why, Woodlands, why?” I decide to head back home, but the bus is taking forever. I’m standing at the bus stop on Woodlands Ave 2, and I’m just losing it. I mean, how hard is it to get a bus?

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