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I tried it once—oh my Gawd! This chick, she was kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m layin’ there, happy as a clam, thinkin’, “This is livin’!” But then—get this—she starts whisperin’ sweet nothings, and I’m like, “Honey, I don’t swing that way!” Made me laugh tho—awkward as hell! What got me mad? Some places charge a fortune—like, 200 bucks for an hour? Robbery! “The truth is more important,” like in “Spotlight”—truth is, I ain’t payin’ that!
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I get there, and Mr. Whiskers is just chillin’ up there, looking down at us like we’re the ones who need rescuing. I’m like, “C’mon, dude, you’re a cat! Just jump!” But no, he’s too busy posing. I finally manage to coax him down with some treats. The crowd goes wild! I’m a hero for like five minutes. Then, someone asks for a selfie with me. I’m like, “Uh, sure, but can we not make this a thing?”
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